Ed's Sandbox

Ed's Completely Practical Guide to Keeping Your Ass out of Trouble

Every day, police intervention fucks up hundreds of lives. Routine stops becomes searches, and searches become arrests. This should hardly ever happen to you, and if it does happen, it's your own damn fault.

Not that I've ever been what you'd call a criminal, but I had enough friends who were what you'd call criminals that I've frequently been in situations (on my own and with others) where the way things went with a cop could have had rather unpleasant consequences on the remainder of our lives. Instead of reminiscing about semi-wild college days, this post could have been about youthful indiscretion fucking me up for good. Luckily, it's the former, so heed my warning. A few simple guidelines for interacting with officers of the law is all you need to keep your ass reasonably out of trouble.

People tend to think of cops as faceless, interchangeable machines in the inhumane apparatus of the Justice System. This is the gravest mistake, for the officer you're interacting with at the moment has full digression on whether to send you on your way with a stern look, a traffic ticket, or to search your vehicle in hopes of sending your ass to jail. Ideally you want the first one, and to avoid the third one at all costs. The middle option sucks but it beats the shit out of the third one.

Let me preface with this: there's one factor which is outside of your control, and that is race. Simply being clean and white can get you a long way in avoiding many of these situations. In my experience, cops aren't racist, but they are prejudiced by years of having to deal with people. They tend to know who causes them the most trouble. If you happen to look like someone whom the cops may perceive as trouble, you must work extra hard to have them change their opinion of you. Yes, it's not fair, but it can make all the difference in YOUR experience with them on that day.

As mentioned earlier, cops are human beings. They usually have feelings, egos, and pride. They also don't want to get killed, especially if they have a wife and kids (as they always seem to.) So the first order of business for you is to make sure the cop doesn't think you're going to pop a proverbial cap in his proverbial ass.

It's not unreasonable to assume that all cops are trained in ascertaining how dangerous a traffic stop might be for them. When the cop is approaching your car, you can bet he's not thinking about the ballgame tonight. He's using all of his senses to decide whether you're going to shoot him and drive off, leaving him to die (or at least bleed unpleasantly) on this god-forsaken highway shoulder at 5:30 in the morning.

Imagine you're in his shoes. You're walking towards a car. The windows are tinted so you can't see what's going on in there. You're not even sure how many people are inside. The engine is running and the stereo is blasting some rap lyric which has to do with shooting cops. This probably has influence on how you're going to deal with the occupants.

Now imagine you're checking out the same car for signs of danger, but the engine is off, the driver has turned on his hazard blinker, turned off the stereo, put out his cigarette, rolled down the window, and his hands are clearly resting on top of the steering wheel, while the passenger's hands are in plain view on top of the dashboard. Won't you feel better? Won't it just tickle you to know these people are obviously not intending to kill you?

You want the cop to greet you with "Good morning, sir!" If you're greeted with "put your fucking hands where I can see them!" you're already off to a bad start.

Remember being a kid and thinking cops were your friends and out to protect you? Well, some people still think that way, and cops enjoy that. In fact, some may have really signed up for the job in order to serve and protect the public (ok, I am getting a little idealistic here), and they probably enjoy dealing with people who perceive them this way, rather than with people who perceive them as a natural enemy. Hence, "Good morning, officer" is a preferred greeting to "the fuck you want, pig?" or similar.

Why does this matter? Imagine a soccer mom pulled over because her tail light is out. She's crying and pleading with the cop because she's afraid of getting a ticket. You know what's the worst thing that's going to happen to her is? She's going to get a ticket. But if the driver is instead hostile because he's convinced the cops are out to get him and search his car, that's likely to be exactly the case.

What's the difference? People really project their fears. The fact that the woman appears worried about a ticket, suggests to the cop-mind that this is the level to deal with her. If the person is being more hostile, the cop's suspicion level will rise, too. Nobody ever got their vehicle searched without sending the cop some signal that this is needed. Again, race is an important factor, but since you can't control that, forget it and do your best to keep the cop from thinking you're the enemy.

Basically, there's two levels on which you need to deal with the cop. First, you do not want to arouse suspicion by being rude and hostile. If you don't make the cop want to find something on you, he won't try. But sometimes it's obvious as is that you're not exactly 100% legal.

Luckily the cop has de facto discretion as to how to proceed. You may be obviously in violation of the law (maybe you have beer in the car and the license says you're 19, maybe he smells something on you), but the cop comprehends that by acting on this knowledge, he can very much ruin your day (and then some.) Now, you have to remember that the cop is human and that he probably had some beer before he was 21, and maybe he even smoked some weed or maybe still does. He doesn't necessarily want to fuck up your life, but it's up to you to make him want to go easy on you. If you're polite and clearly not a menace to him or society, he may overlook your transgression altogether. If you're rude and hostile, he may do the opposite - use whatever knowledge or suspicion he has about you to dig deeper and fuck you over even more.

So I say, be nice. Don't freak the cop out. Make him feel like you appreciate the (dangerous and underpaid) job which he does. Make him feel that you're a good guy, despite whatever it is that caused him to stand in front of you here. This can't make it any worse for you even if the cop decides to be a dick. But in my experience, they always did the decent thing when treated decently themselves.

PS

What I said about cops applies to everyone else. Whenever you interact with someone in their job, treat them with the dignity you afford another human being, instead of seeing them as inhuman cogs in the whatever departments/agency/corporation they're a representative of. People will usually pick being nice to a friendly stranger over screwing that stranger because it is, technically, their job to do so.

And it always helps to be white.