Ed's Sandbox

Ed's First Tongue-in-Cheek Music Review

Going to underground rock shows is one of my favorite New York things to do, so naturally I should be writing a sort of underground rock scene review. Unfortunately, the sad truth is, most of these shows, most of these bands, and most of these venues, suck. Even the venerable CBGB, still one of my favorite places in the world, has been home to such acts of horror and accoustic degeneration that I can't help but not care about its alleged, impending, permament shutdown. Maybe BRC Homeless Outreach (CBGB's much maligned landlord) can use the space to showcase some of the homeless tallent. I swear I got more enjoyment out of a homeless acapella on Bowery than I can remember from one of these well-off suburban kids "rocking out" on their paren's blessing and dollar.

Remember when being a musician meant something? I am 24 and even I remember, so why doesn't anybody else? Look, there are two ways to be a musician:

1. You can practice and be really good. Mozart is an example of this. Pink Floyd are an example of this.

2. You can be full of unquantifiable rocker badboy machismo. AC/DC is a prime example. Can't play, can't sing, but they rock! Just a bunch of australian drunkards on a kick to have a good time and lay groupies and make money. We dig that, we embrace it for what it is.

Unfortunately, much of what I've seen in New York falls into neither of these categories. Don't get me wrong, I've seen some really good underground shows (I'll try to pick my brain later and name some names) - but those are rare, valued exceptions.

Now, a good share of my friends are reading this and cringing. "Please don't talk about Jared" and "we're sick of your rants about Jared" and "give it a rest already, you're obsessed with Jared"... Hey guess what folks, I am going to talk about Jared.

Editor's note: I am not a dick. I mean, I am, but I decided not to be. So I edited this post and obscured the proper spelling of Jared's last name so it doesn't show up on Google. He's probably not a horrible person, and he probably doesn't deserve to read this review. Really, I don't know the guy and my only right to critique him is the 8 bucks I spent on the tickt. Which, if you think about it, is more justification to critique somebody than other people need...

Jared Sxxchxxarffxx
Where Spotted: The Knitting Factory.
When: July 01, 2005.
Executive Overview: Sucks balls.

I wasn't going to write this. I wasn't going to use his name so it comes up in a Google search. There are lots of other bad musicians. And yet, I am writing! Not only does Jared have a horrible singing voice and way too much ego, he's a pussy and unable to confront criticism like a man. Seeing that none of his "friends" had the guts to give him honest feedback on his performance, I went out of my way to privately give Jared some career guidance. Apparently, he did not take it well, as his response was a giant, literal "fuck you, how dare you criticize me, waaaaah" rant. For some reason, he posted the said rant on a website I don't read, and if it wasn't for the deep penetration of my spies into the world of underground shit-rock, I wouldn't have found out. But, I did find out, and I don't think that was a particularly mature way of handling it. That's not how Bon Scott would have handled it. Of course Bonn Scott choked on his own vomit and died, which is cooler than anything Jared will ever ever do.

And by the way, Jared Sxxchxxarffxx isn't exactly a name that screams "ROCK AND ROLL!" It's the kind of name that'd look right with a "DDS" after it. You've never heard of rock legends with names like Chaim Witz and Robert A. Zimmerman, have you?

Anyway, on with the unbiased review.

I chanced to see Jared because a friend was going to see the show, and since I trust the said friend's taste in music, I went along. Not that she had ever heard him perform before. Lesson for the future: your friend's taste doesn't matter if she hasn't heard the act. Anyway... We arrived at the Knitting Factory where Jared was slated to perform. If you've ever been to the Knitting Factory, you'd know it works like this:

Lowest Floor: usually kids in black t-shirts bouncing off the walls, although I have once heard an inspired (though not particularly good) jazz quartet there.

Middle Floor: the tap room. Home of the accoustic acts and experimental stuff. This is usually where the good music is.

Top Floor: the guru-dude selling the tickets once described the style of the top floor as "corporate." We laughed at the time, expecting suits and meetings, Blackberrys going off and such. What the dude meant is that the bands playing the top floor were generally sufficiently bland and uninspiring to potentially be radio-friendly.

I crossed my fingers and prayed that the Jared we came to see was playing the tap room. I just had a wondeful dinner with a friend I haven't seen with forever and I was really in the mood to sit down with a glass of merlot and absorb some good vibes. No such luck: Jared's playing the top floor. The "corporate" area.

When life gives you lemmons, make lemonade. That's what Carnegie said, and I believe it. Corporate can still be good. 3 Doors Down don't trip me out but I acknowledge some form of intensity in their performance. So it still could have been good.

It was not good.

The second sign of trouble was that Jared's mom, dad, grandpa, great-grandma, infant cousin, childhood nanny, current nanny, and therapist, were all there, snapping pictures and being generally proud of their little Jerele...

...in all the self-importance and douchebaggery, people forget that music is supposed to be art, and art is supposed to be inspired. Good Rock and Roll always has to do with either working class misery (a la Springstein), bohemian detachment (Floyd, Doors), or all out partying, snorting coke and banging groupies (anything from the 80s). There's no provision in Rock and Roll greatness for bringing the whole mischpuha to the show like you are graduating from dentistry school. In Jared's case, living at home and having everything paid for by your parents means you need buy-in from them for the "music" you are doing, hence the rock show/family picnic. Doesn't do much for your artistic integrity.

Strike one.

This is my favorite picture from Jared's website. It shows the darkness which permiates one's soul while listening to Jared's pathetic wailings.

I don't particularly remember what any of Jared's songs were about, but I recall wondering what is it about his act that had 3 decent-looking cuties thrashing about near the stage. Were they really relating to his message? "Oh my god, spoiled rich white kids? ME TOO! Jared totally speaks to my socioeconomic reality!" The singing was horrendous, as evident from the cringe on the face of everyone except the 3 aforementioned groupies and the aforementioned relatives. My other friend at the show unironically complained "I forgot my earplugs. I usually bring them." Being bored and not into the music, I wandered about and chatted with a few people. "How are you liking the show?" I inquired. Most shrugged and politely complained about the singing. "So why are you here?" I followed up, and inevitably the responce was "because we're friends of Jared." I asked whether anyone had ever given him their opinion of his singing, and no one has...

... I really hope I don't have friends like that. Your best friends will tell you when your fly is down, when your girlfriend is cheating on you, when you're on the wrong path in life. I would hate if my friends were too afraid or simply didn't care enough to tell me the truth. Why isn't everyone like that? Do you really think you're beyond constructive criticism? Sheeeeesh! This is why I went out of my way to tell Jared the truth. Not to be offensive, not to make him feel bad, but because EVERYONE saw the truth and NO ONE bothered to intervene.

No mediocre performance is complete without well-rehearsed antics of stage anarchy. In Jared's case, climbing on top of the bass drum and jumping off of it in feigned rock extasy was performed at the end of each song. I've seen shitty bands do this move before, and finally Jim (of High Speed Chase) helped me track it back to its origins with Pete Townsend. You see, it was cool when Pete did it, because The Who was an innovative band that was doing new stuff. You're copying their move just like you've copied your style from every poppy "rock" band you hear on the radio. Cool can't be attained by copying. I have some G-Unit clothes but I don't fancy myself a gangster!

Anyway, that's just about enough about Jared. He's actually a very good guitarist, it's too bad the singing and the ego completely obscure his undeniable playing talent. That's what I told him: "focus on what you're good at, even if it doesn't stroke your ego like being a frontman does. Wouldn't you rather be a great guitarist and not a complete fucking failure?" His response: "fuck you." Maybe he ment "fuck you" like Ozzy Osbourne would say it, and not like a little girl would say it before breaking out into the tears, though the fact that he said it on his myspace blog and not to my face makes me think it's the later.

Good Stuff

I promised to mention some good acts I've heard around the city. Here's a very small list:

Thomas Truax - The Hornicator. This guy makes his own instruments out of crap he finds god knows where, and makes good, meaninful music with them. Saw him at the Tap Room at the Knitting Factory. Experimental music in the truest sense.

Detox Darlings - Thrashy rock/glam with genuine attitude. Seen at CBGB. I went with 4 or 5 Indian guys who had never been to a real new york music event. They were suitably impressed.

Loki the Grump - I don't even know if this is properly called punk. It's too solid musically to be punk. It has got to be one of the best shows I've ever seen at Acme Underground. They're not the sexiest people to look at, but their music skills are on the par and they are grumpy for real.

The King of France - I saw them at the Living Room with Andre, who was more interested in going to the bar out front to find a lay. These guys are very solidly together. They label their own genre as "melodic." The songs are filled with self-depricating humor.

The Mugs - I am not sure how to characterize their style. Luckily the website has music for you to download and see for yourself. It's rare for a band to captivate me and makes me momentarily forget my surroundings. That's a religious experience, you know. Saw them at Scenic with the same girls that I saw Jared with. Actually we were there to see someone else, I don't remember his name and it's probably for the better. Not sure if The Mugs were the main act of the night, but they were spectacular.

Troop 47 - I saw these guys at the Villiage Pub in port Jefferson. Usually I don't remember bands I saw years ago but I happened to have grabbed their CD, which serves as a pleasant reminder. I'd classify their style as soft, meaningful rock.

Speaking of Long Island bands, when and why did Mother Freedom break up? Saw these wonderful funky groovy guys a few times on campus, both at The Spot and outdoors. Anyone have any of their music? Let me know!

Katy Pfaffl - Saw her at the Living Room sometime ago. Her website describes her genre as "Soul-Folk," and I am ok with that.

High Speed Chase - mentioned them earlier on. These guys rock but tend to play in Hoboken, and I tend to not go there.

There are obviously dozens of other good musicians/bands which I would love to mention here, but all I've got is hazy recollections of what they looked and sounded like. Anyone know that funky older band where the guy wore a turkish flag and baseballs in pantyhouse? They played at The Living Room and one of their songs is called Teens. What's their name? Anyone? Let me know!